Against my instincts and better judgment, I gave in and went to see 'G.I. Joe: Retaliation' based solely on a friend's recommendation and the fact that it made $40 million on its opening weekend. How bad can it be, right? Regrettably, I should've listened to myself and left it well alone. I didn't like the first movie, so what on God's green earth made me think this one will be any better???!!!
Quite simply, 'G.I. Joe: Retaliation' is a non-stop, mind-numbing assault on our senses, a movie designed for adolescents with ADHD or developmentally arrested adults addicted to 'first-person shooter' video games. The movie is essentially one continuous two-hour long action scene with lots of stuff blowing up held together by the flimsiest of plots, populated by way too many characters. Bruce Willis muscled his way into the busy and overpopulated G.I. Joe world, so (WARNING: SPOILER AHEAD!) they killed off the Joes' team leader 'Duke' (Channing Tatum) early on in the movie. I consider him lucky. Dwayne Johnson (aka 'The Rock') took over as the de facto leader this time around as 'Roadblock,' trying to foil a nefarious COBRA plot to destroy the world with tungsten-rod firing killer satellites, but the slab-muscled former wrestler had about as much personality as, well, a block of his WWF nickname.
This movie's got it all. Massive gun battles, air and tank assaults featuring toys you'll find at a 'Toys R' Us' near you, and Ninjas galore! How cool is that???!!! All without a single drop of blood (even the fake looking CGI stuff) being spilled to maintain the movie's PG-13 rating and its intended audience (8-15 year old boys). Bruce Willis added nothing to this movie, and his one-liners are wearing increasingly thin as evidenced by the following exchange: "Are you okay?" asks Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki), to which Willis replied: "My cholesterol's a bit high." Lady Jaye's eyes weren't the only ones rolling. The battle scenes are all been-there-done-that, mostly run-of-the-mill, overly choreographed hand-to-hand combat sequences that seem sterile, or choppy close-up firefights for that 'chaotic' effect we've seen all too many times.
I blame it all on Michael Bay. The current trend of such utterly disposable drivel is all his fault.
Grade: F
Even the poster looks rather uninspired...
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